27/52 – Scales.

Scales huh! *shudder*

I hate them for the opposite reason of why most people hate them. I wish they read a higher number.

My whole life I have been underweight. Tiny. Petite. Skinny.

My whole life I’ve put up with comments that people think they can get away with because my body doesn’t look “normal” – comments like:
“Eat a hamburger” or “Oh my God. Are you anorexic?” or “You’re all skin and bones” or “You look like you’re 12!”

Yep, all those things have come from strangers mouths. A couple from people just walking past me in the street.
I cannot tell you how much that hurts. How I long to be womanly. To have curves. To have some meat on my bones.

Yes, I am skinny. No, I am not anorexic. Yes I do eat – a lot actually … ask any member of my family and friends that! Yes, I will eat that hamburger thanks … can I have another? Because nothing I do seems to work.

And I have tried, trust me, I’ve tried. My metabolism is so fast, I seriously cannot gain fat.

And I BET you, now you will say “oh you’re so lucky!”

I’ve heard that plenty of times too. Just to see the same people turn around and bitch about celebrities who are “too skinny”.

Seriously? They can’t be big, they can’t be small – they have to be perfect? Well I say, screw that. Stop fussing about what other people look like (I did that a long time ago) and focus on what really matters. Because your judgements on other people, just reflects what you really feel about yourself.

From an outsiders eye, I might look underweight – like I could use a few extra kilos.
I’d love that, trust me. But you know what? I am sooo proud of where I am. At this moment, I weigh the most I’ve ever weighed in my life (apart from the whole pregnancy thing) and I’m so excited.

I am THIS close to my goal weight. So now (as I literally wipe the tears from my eyes) I plan to get there by building some muscle – I might actually look healthy enough then too! And maybe when I get there, I’ll feel confident enough to show that number on the scales.

26/52 – Half Way.

What does it mean to meet someone half way?

I struggle with saying no. I struggle with knowing when to stop reaching out to people. I struggle with knowing if I tried my hardest for someone. I struggle with stopping when I know I’ve given plenty already.

But if you try your hardest, without giving too much of yourself – or a better example, if you stretch your arm as far as it goes while still keeping two feet perfectly balanced on the ground .. then you know, you’ve given enough.

If someone wants more from you, they have to reach back to meet you half way. If someone refuses to meet you half way, you know – you’ve done all you can.

If you want what I’ve got to give … meet me half way!

P.S. That rainbow, totally appeared halfway through my “shoot”, I didn’t even need to move my hand to have it fall right where it is.

22/52 – The Spark.

A little over a month ago I was talking with a friend about how we feel on the inside directly effects how we look on the outside – and sometimes, sadly the other way around.

From our conversation I set a reminder in my head to take note of when I was having a “bad hair day”. You know those days, when nothing seems to go right. When these days rear their ugly heads, I feel unmotivated – guilty – my flaws seemed to be intensified. I noticed that the worse I felt inside, the more unattractive I felt on the outside.

A lot of people think it’s superficial to go out of your way to make yourself presentable. But to me, it’s a reflection. Much like this project is a creative way to express myself, the outward appearance is merely a way to show others what you feel on the inside.

I’m not talking “looks” here either. I’m talking spark. Self worth is a spark on the inside … how far it reaches is up to you.

If the spark is dim … well …see “yesterday’s” image. Inside I felt ugly, I felt unworthy. Outwardly, my shoulders were slumped, my hair was a mess, my eyes – lifeless, sad. I go to the shops and my head hangs low, my eyes don’t dare to meet anybody elses. I’m nervous. I make other people nervous.

If the spark is bright, then it bubbles through to the outer core. See “today’s” image.

Do you know the best thing about my little study? It’s all a choice. As hard as it was, I woke up this morning and decided to be beautiful. (Again – NOT talking about looks). I decided to lift my head high and let the light shine out. I allow others inside my world, they respond in kind.

I’m not a different person. Ok, sure I straightened my hair and doubled my mascara … but the point is … what? What is my point? Do you know what I am saying here?